[Setting: darkened room furished with a desk with an illuminated skull sitting on it. In the distance, the mellifluous "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" is faintly crooning.]
[Kulock is sitting behind the desk, dressed in a too-tight black dinner jacket.]
Kulock: Good evening, mortals, and welcome to Kulock's Pit of Ultimate Darkness! I am, of course, Kulock . . . he who walks along the path of EVIL!
[dramatic thunderclap]
Kulock: It is a path fraught with many perils . . . perils which would tear asunder the fragile mind of moogle. YES, it is a path which I alone must travel, along with those really annoying old moogles that don't scoop up after their cursed little hell Pokémon, meaning that you step in mushy little mounds of damnable Pikachu poo-poo while trying to walk to the corner store to buy some Bunnie hentai and end up smearing it all over the floor of your cave.
[dramatic thunderclap]
Kulock: But enough about my morning . . . what you, brave souls, seek is insight on that which we of the netherworld like to fondly refer to as EVIL!
[dramatic thunderclap and eerie lights]
Kulock: And it is EVIL that thee shalt receive! For now I call upon the spawniest of hell spawns himself, a deer-child who's not afraid to dress, or scream, like a woman while boasting an ego of outrageous proportions matched only by yours truly - Deerservant Jimubus!
[Jim, dressed in a frighteningly tight black spandex body suit, rises up out of the floor.]
Jimubus: Good evening, Master. How might I serve you?
Kulock: [to the audience] You see, loyal followers, Jimubus must heed my bidding thanks to my evil blackmailing abilities, as Jimubus doesn't want his sweetie Katie to find out about him moonlighting as Jimina Doe, the foul temptress of the night! And so he must obey and fulfill each of his Master's desires. But enough about my personal eccentricities . . . ONWARDS TO EVIL!
[dramatic thunderclap]
Jimubus: And what shall be our first act of the evening, Oh Most Evil of Squaresoft's Cutesy Creations?
Kulock: It shall be an act so loathsome that it will freeze your heart, curdle your blood, and spank your frothing monkeys . . . and act of cruelty debase enough to get us both an appearance on Jerry Springer!
[dramatic thunderclap]
Jimubus: Oh, Master! How truly horrifying! Much like Hanson!
Kulock: YES! LET THE EVILDOINGS BEGIN!
[Kulock presses a button on the desk. A section of wall slides away to reveal a bemused-looking Sega Hedgehog.]
Kulock: And now, Jimubus, perform that Evil Thing you do so well!
[Jimubus stares at him for a moment, shrugs, then begins to peel off his black body suit.]
Kulock: KUPOPPO! JIMUBUS! EVIL LITTLE DEER!
Jimubus: Oh, pardom me, Master, I was just-
Kulock: FREAKY EVIL LITTLE PERVERT DEER!!!
Jimubus: My shame is bountiful, Master.
Kulock: Yes, yes, yes . . . a hundred evilly diseased ferrets in various stages of decomposition upon your filthy little head. Now GO! [points at Sega] Evil upon the hedgehog girl!
[Jimubus runs up to Sega, grabs her ice cream cone, and savagely takes a bite and then throws it on the ground.]
Sega: NOOOO!! THAT WAS THE LAST SCOOP OF TRIPLE BLUEBERRY RIPPLE! I WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY WITHOUT MY TRIPLE BLUEBERY RIPPLE!
Jimubus: That, and I hear they're cancelling the chocolate revel flavor tomorrow.
Kulock: KUPO! Why, Jimubus, you've just brutally told an innocent, fragile hedgehog of one of her favorite flavor's tragic and gory demise!
[Kulock looks at the audience and mouths "EVIL!" Sega runs off, sobbing hysterically.]
Kulock: Well, that was fun and EVIL!
[dramatic thunderclap]
Jimubus: What horrific act of Evil might I do for you now, Master?
Kulock: Deerservant Jimubus, the ebony cover of the night does retreat. And, seeing as Evil has delicate skin and burns like a sonofabitch even when running furless through a waterfall on a balmy summer's day, Evil must retreat unto the shadows from whence it came until the curtain of night falls again.
Jimubus: But, Master, dawn does not yet arrive for another hour or so-
[Kulock quickly whispers something to Jimubus, who nods.]
Jimubus: Aaaaah. The Master wishes to retreat with his newly acquired Bunnie hentai!
Kulock: [to the audience] OH HO HO! He does reveal my naughty little obsession! EVIL! UNTRUSTWORTHY AND EVIL!
[dramatic thunderclap]
Kulock: And now we depart for the Other Side of Narshe, fellow freakish followers of Evil. And always remember, get your pet spayed or neutered.
Jimubus: Because it's a proven fact that small fuzzy animals rarely swim well.
Kulock: What did I say?! EVIL! HE IS EVIL!
[dramatic thunderclap and black out]
THE END
This is blatant ripoff of a blatant ripoff of a Kids in the Hall skit. See the original text conversion, starring Cloud and Sephiroth, here. After that, read the Metal Gear Solid outtakes. Then put up to a link to her and start a small shrine in her image. Her copyright info applies, as well as the following: Pikachu and Pokémon are copyright Nintendo corp., Bunnie Rabbot is copyright...someone. I think Sega of America, but one is never quite sure. Moogle is copyright Squaresoft, however Kulock is not, so there. Sega Hedgehog isn't copyrighted, I think, but try and tell her that and she'll beat you up. Jim Doe doesn't copyright, since he can't figure out how to work the Xerox(tm). This is my first ownership bit, sorry if it's horrible. ^.^
-Kulock
Last Updated: 8/4/99
