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MoogleMB.com :: View topic - Negligible narratives: Stupid-happy and something else
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Negligible narratives: Stupid-happy and something else

 
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Cazelfax
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 2:24 am    Post subject: Negligible narratives: Stupid-happy and something else Reply with quote

Okay, respectively, here is Stupid-happy and some preceding useless trivia on it:




This is something I wrote in study period while having nothing to do. I finished it later at home, and the ending made me feel all ":)" inside, so I christen it "stupid-happy," for lack of any better, fitting title.

I'd rather like to get teh batters at writing, so any critique would be appreciated about as much as a good punch in the stomach would be received by a masochist.

ok by it is timing for story:

Dry grass and thorny tendrils crunched lightly as I walked into the stone-walled enclosure. The bottoms of the walls were laden with moss and mud, and the tops were crowned with fiercely-thorned rose plants, tendrils streaming down the wall erratically.

It was a beautiful day that day - the sky billowing with magnificent grey clouds, the sun illuminating the edges of a choice few clouds... The air was lightly endowed with fog, and the temperature was just teetering on the point between being pleasantly brisk and uncomfortably cold. The sky seemed nearly ready to open up and unleash the downpour it was holding in.

I ventured a bit further in, passing the time-worn monuments and gravestones lining the walls as I walked. Each possessed a great tale to tell - shipwreck victims, war veterans and casualties, victims of any myriad of past events, and even comparatively average people. I did not yet feel like listening, though.

A bell let out a lurching toll off in the distance, and some thunder groaned out from the clouds. I looked up and saw a single dark cloud creeping into the sky. I hurried my pace a little, knowing that it was surely going to rain now. I'd always loved the rain, but hated getting wet - a bit of an odd combination.

Moving onward, I finally reached the great oak in the distance, the thing that I had come here for. The bell tolled once more, ringing its melodic groan into the surrounding area. I gazed up into the great tree's branches, gripping the sky with their jagged, twisting paths. The sight had always instilled a childlike sense of wonder and awe in me, and it did not fail to do so this time.

The bell tolled once more, and another dark cloud entered the sky, coupled with even more thunder rolling out from the heavens. I sat among the myriad of twisted roots at the base of the tree and stared up into the wonderful grey sky again, as the bell pealed out once more.

A bolt of lightning streaked across the clouds as the wind began to pick up, moaning softly and lightly rustling the vicious plants lining the walls. The branches of the great oak swayed lightly with this new force, and the rain began to fall as it always does, ever-so-lightly at first.

I continued gazing into the sky, watching more black clouds roll into my field of vision, listening to the soft rhythm of the ever-increasing rainfall. Finished with getting wet, I moved myself into a hollow spot inside the tree and sat for a while in the darkness, considering life, past events, the future - little else than normal things. Considering my fears and doubts, considering how to change myself to better serve others. How excellent it would have been if I had a companion to connect with at that time and place; I did not though, so I found solace in the fact that it was meant to be this way.

At this, I smiled and picked myself up off the ground and made my way home.




Okay, now it's time for something else. Cooked this up while ignoring some odd Japanese movie. It's... different than stupid-happy. Critique, as stated before, would still be lovely, but not quite so lovely as a masochist being punched in the stomach. Rather, it would be loveliness of falling into a pile of dung from a height of roughly twelve yards for a man with a very strange fetish.

okay no more will i sing:

The nights had always been beautiful, but this one especially so. The horizon was aglow with empyrean energy, pulsing lightly with a rich green. Jagged spires of stone contrasted with this beauty, though, but not for what they were, more for what they were decorated with. Entire bodies, organ systems, stray entrails - all of these were laid carefully on the jutting spikes. Nobody was ever quite sure if anything was doing it to people, or if it was just the people committing themselves to this.

He walked again by night, steadily moving at a rapid pace through the darkened air, driven by some ineffable purpose. "Tonight is the night I be rid of myself, tonight is the night I purge once and for all." In the midst of three empty spires, he stopped suddenly, pulling an intricately crafted three-bladed dagger from its hilt. "I need not this vital half," he chanted as he moved his dagger ceremoniously through the air. As suddenly as he stopped moving, he stopped chanting and plunged the blade into his stomach. He twisted the blade around three turns and gargled out some curious dark speech while drawing it rapidly up and down between his entry point and the base of his neck. His blade began to glow with a dark green light, and he drew it from his stomach down to his groin, removing as much flesh as he could along the way. This finished, he jammed the knife into the spire behind him.

"Yes-yes, be rid of my weakness." He gripped the sides of his incision and pulled them apart, making hideous rasping noises as his innards spilled out along with a strange glowing smoke. He kneeled into the pulsing mass on the ground before him, digging around for his heart. Gripping the frantically pulsing object in one hand, he pulled the still-glowing blade from the spire behind him. He severed a single artery branching from it, and placed both open objects of his head. "I anoint self with self, O Magnus Jealousy, consume me," he chanted as the blood poured down from his head all over his body.

He held his vitals aloft until the niagra of blood stopped, after which he severed all other arteries from his now-dead heart and placed it just behind his seperated ribs. At this, it began to glow with the same green energy that had been on his blade. Once he finished this, he severed connections with all other organs and cleaned the rest of himself out. He simply just left the great mound of tissues behind him as he arose and jammed his dagger into his right shoulder - its new hilt. He felt his newly "blessed" blood taking root in his flesh, so he hurried to the nearby quarry.

He scrambled down into the pit with preternatural speed, and began lining his back with the stoutest, sharpest stones he could find, placing two on his shoulders and three in a triangular pattern on his head. He then just thickly covered all empty spaces on himself powderized rock. After finishing this, he pulled his dagger a little out of himself, and ran his fingers and thumbs along it, severing them all from each hand in turn, but not until he replaced each appendage with long, jagged shards of stone. He then pulled the blade fully out of himself and severed his feet, replacing them with long, pointed spires. Putting his blade back into his shoulder, he scrambled out of the pit even faster and more strangely than he came in, moving unnaturally fast on with his new legs.

He then ran for what was once his home town, taking rest on top of the platform of the gallows. There he could wait until morning while his new additions to his body took their final form, blackening, taking usable shape and acquiring the same curious glow still about his heart and dagger. Patrachius, chosen of Jealousy, would then awake.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stupid-Happy:

I'm not sure what's so stupid about this story. Really, I don't. o.o Anyway, you got some really good descriptions about the setting in there, but I'm not really sure why the person was taking a leisurely stroll in a cemetery. Did someone important to him/her get buried there? Did they get lost? Or is it just a place he generally likes to hang around? Whatever the case, you need to make it a bit clearer of why the character is there in the first place.

Something else:

Again, good description of the setting and actions. You got down the purpose of the main character down [replacing his organs with better ones], but there's something missing from it that I can't put my finger on. I think you just need to expand on some things, like where the main character was back in the beginning. I dunno, I guess I just like Stupid-Happy better. :P
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stupid-happy was my favorite, seems it would be a very good small scene in a larger story, as it seems to try to develop a character. The way it's written, the character tries to be familuar, but they aren't. But it's beautifully illustrated with words. I seem to write narratives a lot like this, only connected together one after another, somewhat related.
The second one, however, struck the impression of suicide to me at first. Then it went along, and started to very much remind me of those weird zombie video games. It leaves a lot of mystery.
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How'd that guy stay alive during all this? o_O

And TALK while holding his own HEART?
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's some sort of magical or spiritual energy implied by the green glow, either something already in him, or because of the blade.

Stupid-Happy was pleasant (although "I found solace in the fact that it was meant to be this way" didn't strike the right chord for me), Something Else... very surreal, although obviously not easy to follow, and of course the mental image of him gutting himself and severing his own fingers and so forth with the knife was obviously not a pleasant one, but I know that's intended. ;P
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